What If Pets Had Thumbs…?
We humans are a commemorative species. What does that mean? It means that we like celebrating things on a daily basis — even the weird things. Don't believe me? Check them out for yourself here. (Some notable examples might be "Personal Trainer Awareness Day" on January 2nd, "Ravioli Day" on March 20th, "S'mores Day" on August 10, and "Cupcake Day" on December 15th. Hey, I'm not complaining about all of these food commemorative days. Bring on the calories!)
But besides the obvious holidays like Christmas, Valentines Day, Labor Day, etc. and the more weird/obscure ones like mentioned above, there's an important day we might want to remember. March 3rd is dubbed as National "If Pets Had Thumbs Day." Ok, some of these food holidays I could enjoy, and I could even live with some of the more random ones like "Talk in an Elevator Day" like July 31st, but this one is truly a bizzar-o one to commemorate.
So, humor me here...what really if pets had thumbs? According to a National Today post here, this holiday was conceived in 1995 and a notable achievement was recorded in 2017 that a pet named Fluffy first attempted to take a selfie with an imaginary thumb. However, I can't shake off this feeling that if pets actually had thumbs, it would be kind of...terrifying. Knowing how smart dogs and how evil cats are (let's be honest here... those murderous meowsters are constantly looking for ways to kill us, as illustrated here), I can only imagine how much mayhem and chaos might ensue if our furry friends had full use of their digits:
For starters, Fluffy won't simply be playing fetch with us and the chewed up tennis ball. He might actually be chucking those things at us, expecting us to fetch it and giving us a black eye while at it.
He won't be restricted to only using their snouts to tear into your shoes. Now he's got full use of his thumbs, so who knows how high he can reach and grab stuff off of the kitchen counter, smash it on the floor, and eat whatever's inside it.
Fluffy will steal your phone and butt-dial your coworkers in the middle of the night. Worse yet, he'll text them that you "mistakenly" didn't pick up his poop from yesterday's morning jog.
For cats it's a nightmare scenario altogether. If they don't use their thumbs to pull the pin off of a grenade they're using to chuck into your bedroom, it'll most likely be to squeeze the trigger on their custom-modified US-military issue M24 Sniper Rifle with a laser sight aimed at your head.
Another scenario for cats without access to powerful firearms is that they might try to empty out your liquor cabinet, pour its contents out in your living room, wait until you get home from work, and then yell "Meowzai!" before tossing a lit match and setting your apartment ablaze. If the fire didn't kill you, your cat will stick around to finish the job.
Watching Shrek will inspire all cats around the world to become like Puss in Boots. They'll arm themselves with swords, pick up Antonio Banderas' accent, and start roaming the streets slashing and knifing random people.
Thank God these animals don't have thumbs like ours...